Navigating the Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.